I just can’t deal with anything going on right now.

Long day of classes today. I had to go to the dining hall and get coffee this morning because lately I haven’t been able to stay awake in my morning classes, even with 8 hours of sleep. I got back from class and watched a few YouTube videos and now I’m finishing off an episode of True Blood (S02E12). I’m going to try to do some homework, and then I’m going to start packing because I’m going to NYC on Saturday!

My friend Kristen invited Laura, Hannah, Cait, Meg and me to her house in Connecticut for Friday night (tonight). Then on Saturday morning we’re going to drive to NYC and spend the day there, and then sleep at Kristen’s house again on Saturday night. On Sunday we’re heading back to BC. I’m so excited because I’ve never been to NYC before! I’m afraid though that I’m going to break my diet. I’ve been feeling skinnier recently and I don’t want to give up that feeling, but at the same time I don’t think I’ll be able to resist the temptation to splurge in NYC.

Now for a few roommate updates… My original roommate (EC) left on medical leave, and they’ve been trying to find someone to move in with me. The girl that came by to look at the room, MS, was kind of psycho. I really didn’t like her when I met her. She was really loud and excited and overbearing and I couldn’t really handle it. She also said that her roommates hated her because she was messy, touched their stuff, had her friends in the room, and slept during the day…all things that I do not like. I agreed to having her as my roommate when I asked, but only because I felt like I had no other choice.

That night, though, I e-mailed ResLife and told them I thought we were incompatible and requested that they match me with someone else. I met with my RD, Christie, who tried to make me see the other side of things and consider her as a roommate. She also told me that she’d meet with ResLife though and see what she could do. It seemed like she wanted to help me, but that she was preparing me if it didn’t work out. Meanwhile, MS was telling all her friends she was moving into my room and kept saying she wanted to move in as soon as possible. Talk about awkward.

After Thanksgiving break (yesterday), MS and I met with Christie at her request. We talked about our room preferences (which all differed), and then we met individually with Christie. When Christie asked if I would give the green light to have MS move in, I was incredibly hesitant and ultimately told her she could decide, because I felt uncomfortable saying no. Also, MS seemed to be agreeable to all my demands because she wanted to move out of her current room so badly, so I pretty much just seemed like a jerk. Christie said we should think about it and sleep on it, and to e-mail her in the morning.

MS and I had dinner that night, and she irritated me less than she did before. We talked about TV shows because we watch all of the same ones. True Blood, House, How I Met Your Mother, etc. She told me that when she met one-on-one with Christie, Christie tried to convince her not to move in, which was interesting because when I was meeting with her, she was trying to get me to compromise. MS said that she wanted it to be my decision, and that she wouldn’t be offended if I said no. I talked it over with my mom and my sister, and ultimately I decided to not have her move in.

I always concede to the wishes and desires of others, and this time I decided to do what I wanted for a change. I feel so guilty about it, but I know that I would live in a constant state of frustration if she moved in.

MS seemed okay with it when I texted her, but I walked by her today and I’m fairly certain she was complaining about it with her friends because I think I heard her say, “RD”. It seemed like she was telling them that she knew I didn’t want her to move in because the RD was convincing her not to.

Overall it’s a very awkward situation, and I could easily end up with someone worse, but I’m trying to do what’s best for me right now, and at the very least I’ll have my single for another week or two.

In the meantime, I’m so excited to go to NYC!

Yet another random anecdote about my life. There’s this guy, PC. He and I have known each other since middle school, and I used to loathe him. Like, truly despise him. Everything he did bothered me. He just has one of those personalities.

And I used to be mean to him. Actually very mean; I didn’t care because there was no way I would ever want to me friends with him. Eventually, my insults and comebacks turned into banter, and I suppose we became friends. I liked talking to him because I didn’t have to pretend to be chipper and happy when I wasn’t. I could be bitter and sarcastic and vitriolic. That was the only way he knew me, anyways. I guess he developed a crush on me; I ignored it. Again in my sophomore year of high school he had a crush on me. Again, I ignored it. I think he’s gone through 3 periods of having a crush on me. Each time nothing has happened, because I’m not interested in him.

Some of my friends, such as OJ, have said that he will always be in love with me. I don’t know if this is true, though. I can’t actually decide whether he likes me or not; it’s hard to tell. He always jokes that, “He’ll wait for me,” but some of my friends think it’s only half of a joke.

Anyways, last night I saw my friend TD at a party, and he seemed like he wanted to ask me something. I practically had to force it out of him, finally he asked, “Why are you always antagonizing PC on Facebook and leading him on?” He was referring to the lengthy conversations we have through the comments feature of Facebook. Again, I just like being witty and sarcastic, and it’s the perfect platform to do it. I personally don’t think I’m leading him on. He had just told me about how two girls are interested in him.

But then, when I get home, I receive drunk texts from him. I’ll post the conversation:

PC: Home, safe, and didnt hookup with anyone so yeah its all good

JS: Awright den patrick. Awright

PC: just lettin u know all is good with no social repercutions

JS: Thank goodness since I care so much about your social repercussions!!

PC: i know u do! it got fun im sorry u had to go but missed ya bud

JS: I probably wouldn’t have had any more fun if I had stayed. Unless tyler seguin made an appearance

PC: Weird bcuz he did so that Sucks for you

JS: Liar liarrrr

PC: Nahh he was there i swear

JS: Mhmmmm where’s the proof

PC: muploads tomorow i bet

JS: Yah sure patrick. SURE

PC: I would never lie i hit up seth myers now tyler sucks for u

JS: You always lie. You also claim kat/cat* isn’t your girlfriend. Sooo…

PC: she isnt so idk what u expect…

JS: What’s that other girl’s name? Rebecca?

PC: yes why?

JS: Just tryna keep all your girls straight, yo

PC: u crazy girl…

JS: Me?

PC: oh deff i mean my girls straight? what girls u crazy

JS: You have like 4 potential girlfriends the last time I checked

PC: u and who? its no one j spags u need to calm it down

JS: Hahaha what? I’m perfectly calm, bro. Now I’m just confused…

PC: Did u drink after getting home?

JS: Hahahha no. Why do you ask…

PC: ur up late whatss with that**

JS: I’m alwayz up late

PC: uh huh. u just like talking to me w/e i accept that, i understand

JS: Paaaatrick I was up this late last night as well

PC: Sure, sure, w/e i gotcha bro

What in the world did he mean when he said, “you and who?” in response to the potential girlfriends comment? I was literally just trying to remember the girls’ names and tease him for all his girlfriends, but his question seems strangely legitimate.

I’m also confused with myself because lately I enjoy being with him more than I used to. However, I feel like that may be a direct result of what happened with JF and me just feeling lonely. I’ve been going through so much lately, and all I really want is for someone to hold me. I wish that person could be JF, but I know that’s never going to happen, and I know that PC is always going to be in the background. So maybe I’m just going for him because he’s the easy option. I don’t know. If only things with JF had worked out. But that’s a story for another day.

*Kat is a supposedly crazy, ADHD-ridden girl who Patrick hooked up with once at his college. 

**2:58 AM

I feel like blogging a lot today for some reason, I guess. I think I’ll try to blog everyday, just to get my thoughts out and see everything a little more clearly. To gain perspective, one could say.

I feel the need to discuss my love life. Or lack thereof. Way back when, perhaps my sophomore year of high school (yes, it was definitely sophomore year, because I was in geometry at the time), I had been talking to AB. Not just talking to him, but texting him constantly throughout the day, sometime 200+ texts. Often I would have to delete my entire inbox because it was filled after just one day’s worth of texts from him. We would text until 2 am. Full conversations that just flowed into the next day. I remember one night in particular, I was watching the Incredible Hulk movie. I don’t quite remember what he texted me, but it was in the early morning hours, and I remember smiling when I received it, and saving it in my inbox for weeks.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but he made me happy. Sure, we fought. And we fought a lot. About stupid stuff that I can’t remember and stuff that probably didn’t even matter then. But we were both immature and we couldn’t let anything go. Nevertheless, talking to him all the time made me happy. I always knew there would be someone there to talk to. I am sure I’m glossing over all of the bad stuff. There were definitely many more dysfunctional aspects to our relationship. But for some reason my brain chooses to block them out, and all I am left with is the happiness. This is sure to cause me problems later in life if it’s characteristic to my personality and not just AB. If I tend only to remember the positives, I am bound to return to many ugly relationships. Which is strange in itself, because I’m so pessimistic a majority of the time. But I have found that I love to believe the best in people. It’s a strange contradiction, and it only leads to more disappointment and more pessimism.

Anyways, we would text, but he would also call me. He would call me at unexpected times, usually when he was driving. I would tell him time after time that I hated talking on the phone; I wasn’t any good at it. I would get distracted and stop listening to what the person was saying. But he would still call me. It may have just been because he knew I would pick up. But somehow, it felt special. And secretly, I loved it.

The weird part of our relationship was that we would tell each other we loved each other. Just flat out, “I love you,” and “I love you too.” To this day, I don’t know what that meant. I don’t know if we were saying this as friends, but somehow it felt like a little something more. He would say things to me like “I love you more than falling asleep to the sound of rain,” and other things like that. I saved those texts for a long time.

He knew how to make me feel special, but just the same he knew how to piss me off, and he knew how to take away that special feeling. It wasn’t a healthy relationship, and I knew it. But all the times we fought we made up for by the times when he would say those nice things to me.

But the fighting was hard to ignore, and it grew in frequency and in length. We would stay mad at each other for longer periods of time, and there was a shorter and shorter amount of peace in between the fights. Eventually, I told him we couldn’t be friends anymore. I don’t remember what he had been fighting about. It was most likely something small that didn’t even matter. But I had had enough. I was tired of him taking advantage of me, and I was tired of him feeling like he could say whatever he wanted, knowing I would come back and inevitably apologize a few days later. So I held my ground, and I stopped talking to him. I thought, “He’ll be the one to apologize this time,” but he never did. Either he thought the same thing, or he really didn’t care. I knew it was best for me to stop talking to him. He was getting in the way of my school work. Worrying about him, talking to him, fighting with him. It took up a lot of time and energy. Even knowing this, I had subconsciously wanted us to make up.

I apologized to him almost a year later. I gave in. I couldn’t stand NOT being friends with him. He was aloof, I pretended not to care. The next time we talked, he asked me to edit his paper for him. I’m a pushover; I did it for him even though he didn’t deserve it. He didn’t even say thank you.

Now I talk to him occasionally, whenever it’s convenient for him. I don’t know if it’s because he really had loved me way back then, but he’s a lot more bitter now. I can barely stand to talk to him, to be honest. Whenever I do, I find myself missing the old AB, and our old relationship. Where I would receive a text from him in the middle of dance practice, standing in the middle of the Arts Building hallway, and I would smile, reading, “I love you.” Everyone around me would ask, “What are you smiling about?” But I would just shake my head and flip my phone closed.